The Gospel According to Raymond

Once upon a time a big greasy Church leader approached me and told me that I had a gift. He told me that I would one day have a multitude of followers that would gather before me for wisdom and love. He didn’t know me; he hadn’t even heard me talk yet but he fancied himself a half-assed prophet and liked to proclaim all kinds of half-assed prophesies:

“Don’t swim in Long-Johns and coveralls directly after a feast because Satan controls the water and he’ll drown you dead”

...that kind of inspired bullshit. I denied his prophesy for years, I passed off my perfection as the result of hard work and well timed whisky but the more people I met the more it started to bother me; I’m right ALL OF THE TIME!!

I’ve decided that it’s time to step up; I look around at all of these gorgeous ladies and handsome young gentlemen that plod through their lives in misery. Where has the innocent arrogance gone? Everyone is worried about looking like they don’t worry and they only smile in their selfie that they post online to their friends that worry that they might not worry enough.

Well I’ve had enough; the answers are way too simple to keep a secret anymore.

Drop in next week when I reveal “Raymond’s 3 step test to determine if you are a pretentious poser”. As well, I’ll review the cheap summer lager that I end up buying from a dank Saskatchewan bar.