Pretentious Poser Test, and Summer Lager Review

What is Gospel? Who are you and what the HELL are you doing with that 19-year-old?

“The word ‘Gospel’ comes from old English ‘God Spell’ meaning Good News and Glad Tidings.”

That’s how the delightfully perfect, Adult-Sunday-School teacher started her lesson. Everyone wants good news. EVERYONE needs the Gospel.

The memory of the perfectly dressed, perfectly sane and absolutely gorgeous mother of 6 delivering a perfectly written and rehearsed sermon about……….. Hmmm. I seem to have forgotten the point….. Seriously…….what the hell was she talking about……? Gospel…. yes, but what gospel? BAH! It had something to do with Jesus….. Did I mention she was gorgeous?

This leads me to my promise from last week (2 weeks ago); Raymond’s 3 step test to determine if you are a pretentious poser. Sit tight, close the blinds… pull out a mirror- I promise you’ll love yourself more after this test...

Poser or not?

Step 1- Ask yourself “Who are you trying to impress and why?”

“Mow the lawn! Clean the basement! HIDE THE ALCOHOL!”

Seriously, Ma? Right about the time that I pulled my head out of my ass I realized that you can’t change other people. EVER. Remember this: Impress yourself

Mow the lawn because you like a tight yard, clean the house so you can relax with a bottle of wine. We try to impress other people with some kind of faint unspoken dream that maybe someone will admire us more; maybe they’ll think we’re better people. People notice confidence, they notice happiness. No wait, they won’t notice anything. If someone wants to do shit with you then they will call you up and say “Hey, come over and visit.” Stop trying so hard at not being yourself.

Step 2- Ask yourself “If I met myself on the street, would I need a punch in the mouth?”

Just the fact that you are still reading tells me that you care about whether or not you are a pretentious poser. If you saw yourself strolling nonchalantly down Whyte Avenue during The Fringe week, would you want to punch yourself in the mouth? How about the throat? Alright! Now we’re getting somewhere! As lovely as my sermons seem, I’m not trying to save the world. I’m trying to cut back on the number of Pretentious Posers out there.

Take a look at yourself…. Are you trying to be identified with a trend? Did you give up on yourself? Did you give up on your own ability to choo-choo-choose how you look?

Where do you get your confidence from, your perfect beard? Pull out the mirror….trust yourself!

Step 3- The Final Judgement “Do you care what I say?”

You’ll go Scissors and I’m going to go Rock.

I know that you’ll go Scissors because I’ve already gone Paper 2 times in a row-But you’re obviously smarter than me and see that I’m trying to get you to go scissors so I can go rock -but since you’re so smart you’re going to go paper to beat my rock.

But you’re wrong…. I’m smarter than you; as long as you are thinking of my move then you are going to be perfectly predictable. PICK YOUR OWN MOVE

It’s painfully obvious that you are trying REALLY hard to be cool. You’re exactly the same as all of us -OLD. Yup, we aren’t 19; we can’t dance with her anymore… not in this town. Come enjoy loose fitting pants again; enjoy a life without the burden of pretending again. Put your confidence back in yourself. Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing- DON’T WEAR PAJAMAS TO DROP OFF THE KIDS AT SCHOOL, let’s not get crazy here. (I’ll deal with dignity in next week’s sermon) but take a big old breath and remember that even though we’re all in this together, you’re the only one that you can change- and why in the hell would you want to do that?



Beer Review

I didn’t end up buying a Lager, they wanted 20 bucks for 6 Coors light in the Dodsland Hotel. I hung out until Provost and dodged the PST. By then I was ready for some flavor. Back in the days of the Winfield Hotel we used to drink Rickards White Wheat Ale so I got 6. Here’s my review-

First beer-first taste...

Nice and cold, fruity with hints of Coriander- label says 5.4% but I can’t taste any alcoholy after taste, probably the citrus covering it up. If I was a little more resourceful I might have stopped off at the Co-op and grabbed some Olympia, 5- Alive and all-spice and built something similar. 7/10

6th beer-last sip...

As warm as the palm of my hand with a heavy Coriander taste- citrus still masking the alcohol. A very sweet beer, like most flavored wheat ales. I probably didn’t need all 6. The price came in at just under 14 for 6, which is on par for your Stellas, Guinny pigs, Newks, and Hinies. All in all a very pleasant summer sipper. Well done Rickards, a solid C+

The Gospel According to Raymond

Once upon a time a big greasy Church leader approached me and told me that I had a gift. He told me that I would one day have a multitude of followers that would gather before me for wisdom and love. He didn’t know me; he hadn’t even heard me talk yet but he fancied himself a half-assed prophet and liked to proclaim all kinds of half-assed prophesies:

“Don’t swim in Long-Johns and coveralls directly after a feast because Satan controls the water and he’ll drown you dead”

...that kind of inspired bullshit. I denied his prophesy for years, I passed off my perfection as the result of hard work and well timed whisky but the more people I met the more it started to bother me; I’m right ALL OF THE TIME!!

I’ve decided that it’s time to step up; I look around at all of these gorgeous ladies and handsome young gentlemen that plod through their lives in misery. Where has the innocent arrogance gone? Everyone is worried about looking like they don’t worry and they only smile in their selfie that they post online to their friends that worry that they might not worry enough.

Well I’ve had enough; the answers are way too simple to keep a secret anymore.

Drop in next week when I reveal “Raymond’s 3 step test to determine if you are a pretentious poser”. As well, I’ll review the cheap summer lager that I end up buying from a dank Saskatchewan bar.